Thank You..

This is a big thing for me; my blog just hit 1000 plus hits, and it’s freaking amazing. I started it, because I didn’t have much to do, and my friends suggested I write. I know my English is just almost satisfactory, but this blog writing, it’s kind of becoming my first success story, and that makes me so happy. It’s only been 2-3 months, just 12 blogs, and I have gotten so much appreciation already. *WOW!*

Thank you so much guys. “Another Brown Boy”, is all about this guy who started blogging back in July after he read an article on the subject. He spent all his free time teaching himself the ins-and-outs of blogging, back at a time when he couldn’t muster up all the “how to blog” resources, as in the company of someone experienced in this. A lot of people ask me why I put this title, and frankly speaking, even I don’t know! Maybe because I’m brown, Indian. I guess I just wanted to have my own website, something personal, my pictures, my writing, my ideas and of course my blogs. And so, came into being “Another Brown Boy”. When I started at it, I decided I’m going to write about the common Indian boy, things that surround him, problems, girl problems, family problems and other such stuff; but as I put my laptop up for writing, I screwed up! I couldn’t even start. I still remember that day. *sigh* Then I start to write a few things about me, it was embarrassing at first, because I realized I knew practically nothing about myself! It’s like I never sat down, or gave time, to me, to think about me. Anyways, I guess that’s a story for another day. So I first got the idea of what I wanted to write about, when I saw some people, mocking my friends, just ‘cause they were smoking! I felt really bad, and that’s where my first blog, “A Few Words from Smoker”, came from. I published it, and got so many good comments from you guys, and I couldn’t be happier! I felt so blessed. From that time on, I just wrote about the things, those moments, and all those experiences that are extremely random, and yet often left me breathless and awestruck! Sad, confusing, happy, romantic, agonizing; I wrote about whatever touched my heart, and today I just wanna say that I am really pleased with myself, and really grateful too, that those moments, touched your hearts too. I will continue writing and thank you everyone for your support. It means more than my words can ever say.

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First/Worst Funeral

It was a happy Sunday (last week), but then something heartbreaking happened. I knew this day would eventually come, but I sure didn’t think it would come so soon. On Sunday afternoon, we got the news, that my grandpa took his last breath. I know he was 94, but still, it just hurts so much, to think of him, and the fact that I have lost one of my closest people. We were so freaking close. I, in fact loved him more than my grandfather. Yea, he wasn’t my ‘real’ grandfather, he was his elder brother. But I admired him so.

My grandpa was a proud man, and one of the most supporting persons of my life. And even though we didn’t get as much time together as I would have liked, it was in the moments with him that I lived my life. I used to share my secrets with him, which I don’t even share with my mother. I literally lost the lust of my life. When I shift through my memories of him and our time together, there are a lot of things that come to my head. Like how he used to tell me about his memories of the British era; and the way he’d scold mom, whenever she’d shout at me about playing video games nonstop; and, all the long evening walks with him, and the advices he gave me… I missed him more than ever that day, when the realization sank in that he is no more. I miss you so much grandpa. I wish you could come back. Even if just for one last hug. Come back. Please.

By Sunday night, I saw papa had started packing. I asked if I could come with him, and he just looked at me, and asked what was already so evident in his stare, “ will you be able to face all that? Are you strong enough?”. I answered without thinking twice, “I am 19. And I haven’t seen him in months. I wanna see him one last time at the least.” He said, “OK”. It was Monday morning, and just as the train arrived, I started to feel weird, I didn’t know what or why, but my legs felt heavy. I felt like I’m going to be sick. 3 hours later, we were finally in my Grandpa’s house. There were like some 300 people there. All the men sitting outside, in the garden and all the women, inside. I could hear them crying. We sat there for a couple of minutes, while papa was talking to my relatives.

My uncle came to me, and asked if I want to see him, I said nothing, just nodded and went inside the room where my grandpa was waiting for me. I was about to faint when I saw him, not moving, not blinking, and his hand, cold as ice, not on my head, no more blessings for me. Oh god, he was dead! Grandpa was dead! My Grandpa was dead! His mouth was slightly open, and he had gotten so thin since I last saw him! So thin, you can count his bones. I did nothing, just sat there for over half an hour, when papa came and told me it was time for his funeral.

Everyone around was preparing for it, but I was not ready, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. I know I was blessed to have my grandpa around for so much of my life, but now he is not. It’s his funeral. My grandma was crying so hard. Just like my heart was. It was time. My uncles started to touch grandpa’s feet. After a while it’s my time too. I asked grandma if I could kiss grandpa’s hand and she said yes, but one of the people there shouted at me and said no. before I could say anything back, papa asked me to let it be, to just touch grandpa’s feet. I hate that man so much. His orthodox stupidity took away my last chance to tell my grandfather how much I loved him. My uncles picked up grandpa’s body and start to walk to the cremation ground. I can’t put into words how I felt while accompanying my grandpa in his final journey. It practically broke me. As we got there, I noticed a very weird calmness was there.

But just as we neared my grandpa’s final resting place, things start to change. I felt weird, yet again. I don’t know is it right or not, but this is what I felt. The arrangements there was so bad and disappointing, it was like they’re doing it just as a formality, just to get it all over with. They let grandpa’s body lay open for like an hour. My papa begged me to say nothing, because he could see the anger in my eyes, for the way this great man was getting treated now, he knew how much I loved him, and he realized I was running thin on my self control. The woods were being arranged for, and after a while, they put the logs on my grandpa’s body. Sadness consumed me, but I couldn’t even express my idol’s death in peace for the way that these ungrateful people were; ‘cause guess what? They didn’t even cover grandpa up properly with woods. I could clearly see his face, head, hands and legs. I asked papa, whether they were going to burn him like that? Papa said no, and then papa shouted at my uncle, who just moved a couple of sticks for the sake of doing something! Without telling anyone, he burned the woods. I was like what the hell? I was shocked. And the worst thing that could happen was that the woods were wet. They weren’t burning properly. I was so upset, not just because it was my grandpa’s funeral, but because of the people’s behavior over there. They were literally ignoring my grandpa, like what the hell dumbasses? They were talking about all sorts’ of stupid stuff; “how is your son doing?”, “I’m looking for a boy, for my daughter” and such crap. They were cracking jokes, laughing, giggling. Motherfuckers! My Grandpa died. How could you all possibly do this? I could clearly see my grandpa burning, his head, his arms, his feet, on fire! Something I never imagined in my whole life, happening right in front of me. My body jammed for a while. *My grandpa was on fire* He was right burning in front of me… but after a while, I ran away from there, when I couldn’t take it anymore. After a while people started to leave, and his body hadn’t even burned properly! I begged papa that I want to stay until grandpa’s body will burn properly, my papa understands me, he said ‘yeah son!’.

My grandpa was good with everyone, he loved everyone, I hadn’t even seen him be rude to anyone. Ever. And this was all he got. *The worst funeral possible*. Today I just want to say that, I’m also going to die one day and my people will give me a funeral too. I didn’t know whether we’ll still be friends or not, but if you do love or care for me or feel something for me, then, and only then, attend my funeral.

R.I.P Grandpa, love you to death, your little nephew.

Mummy..

Today I had an argument with my mom, it was useless, but the thing is that I never did it before. I’m really ashamed of myself, just want to kill myself. I don’t know what I was thinking and where my mind was. But it’s not good. I’m a bad son. I said sorry to her and she forgave me like always, but still there is something going inside me, which is killing me. Today I put up laptop to tell my mom that how much I love her, I’m sorry Mummy.

Dear Mummy, I feel incredibly grateful to have you as my Mom.  When I think of you different memories comes to my mind, memories that will live in my head and heart for a lifetime. You have thrown yourself into your role as a mother with unrestrained dedication since the beginning. The things I remember most about you is that you were always there for me no matter what the circumstances was, no matter how bad my mood was, no matter what time of day or night it was, no matter how bad I was as a son.  You have shown me complete acceptance, love, and understanding. When I needed you, you always made time for me.  I know you’ve always got my back. I cannot explain how much I love you, I can’t put it in words, Its just an attempt. I want you to know that I’m really thankful to have you as my mom. 

Nani used to tell me, in your time, your conditions weren’t good, but yours was the most hardworking one, and today Nani is most proud of you. I just want to be like you. I know, you’re always loving, funny, supporting, but you always wanted me to be a successful person, just like you. The thing for which I am most grateful, is something that has really surprised me. It’s your positivity. I don’t think it’s a secret that you’re a warrior. I never failed to prove you that I’m a bad son, but still you always accepted me, and loved me. You believe in my future, and help me believe. Thank you.

When I come to you with hard decisions in my life and feel confused about what to do, you  always listen to all of the alternatives, hear my concerns, and then ask the key question “what do you think you should do?” before offering guidance or advice… you taught me how to think for myself. I always thought that you didn’t allow me this and that, but today I know why. I always come home late, you get angry with me every time. Mummy, I just want to tell you that you’re the most important thing in my life, not my friends.

I’m really thankful to have you as my mom and I also want to say this to you, but I’m not really that strong to tell you that I’m really thankful to you to bring me in this world, for caring me, teaching me, being patient with me and cheering for me. Mummy, I also really want to say this because I always make you feel worried, angry, and emotional. Mummy, I’m really sorry for everything because sometimes without realizing, I speak words that are too tough and hard for you to hear. Mummy, please forgive me. I know everything you do for me is  just to make me a good person. Mummy, if I make you feel uneasy please tell me because I will try my best to change it and make you feel comfortable. Mummy, I want you to know that I’m proud to have you as my mom and I love you.

Mummy, I try my best to be your pride. Mummy, I won’t mind if no one trusts me, but I don’t want you to stop trusting me. Because only you are my inspiration and only you can light up my strength, as long as you are with me. Mummy, if I had done something that made you upset, please trust me that I didn’t mean to do it. Mummy, your trust is most important to me. Mummy, your trust is my  supporter to do the best in my life. Mummy, please stay at my side until the end, I know you always will.
I wrote this for you Mummy, but I don’t want you to read this, I’m going to be you pride, and then will see the real joy in your face, I know this will make you cry, but I just want you to read this, when I’m dead.

Mummy, Thank you for Your unconditional love and friendship, Thank you for showing me grace when I didn’t deserve it, Thank you for comforting me through bad times, Thank you for giving me everything, Thank You for always believing in me. I love you mummy to death.

Your Little Kid.