Another Chance Wasted

I hope this fan endures my weight,
This rope doesn’t break,
When I hang on it,
This heavy chair,
Displaces when I push it,
My heartbeat, body,
Never felt so high,
A dead calmness,
Noose around my neck,
Ready to die,
Ready to escape,
I can feel the death,
Black, dark, dope,
Spreading his arms,
To welcome me,
I’m a little afraid,
This is the moment I was waiting for,
These beautiful people,
Think I’m a happy man,
They got me on my knees,
They say I better watch myself,
Fuck this bad mean world,
Why I’m not killing me?
This rope is waiting for me,
I’m a coward,
Another chance Wasted.

I told my mom that I’m going out,
She didn’t asked where I’m going?
My sweet mom,
Thinks I’ll be back in few hours,
Sorry mom, I can’t live like this,
Sorry that I never told you,
What I’m going through,
I don’t want to hurt you.

I walked to the nearest station,
To try my luck,
This time a final goodbye,
I’m crying like hell,
My throat feels sore,
My face turns red,
Sobbing because of my feelings,
Took a deep breath,
Laid down on the track,
Wind is blowing real fast,
Touching my tears,
Waiting for the train,
I can hear the horn,
These tracks start shaking,
A weird excitement,
The train passes me by,
From other track,
It’s been 2 hours,
Why the fuck this train is not coming,
Crying for myself,
Another chance Wasted.

It’s hard to realise,
Why I’m so upset,
Sitting on the floor,
Crying so much more,
I’m a loser,
I got teased from head to toe,
Sometimes I feel I’m afraid of happiness,
I deserve this pain,
A story behind every tear,
How long do I have to live?
Why someone will love me,
A boy with disturbing life,
Hideous myself.

I was finding my books,
And I found ratkill,
I feel sorry for all the rats,
That this cube had killed them,
I’m sure their life would be much better,
Better then mine, worth living,
Holding this ratkill,
Wondering how to eat,
I fill the glass with water,
Almost ready to taste this,
Son! Oh is that my mom’s voice?
Oh no I’m busted,
She’s gonna be so mad at me,
But mom is smiling,
She rubbed my shoulder,
Thanked me for finding ratkill,
Cause there are so many rats in the house,
I wish I could be a rat,
Atleast there would be a guarantee,
Guarantee of death,
Another chance Wasted.

I’m standing at the edge of my patience,
I can’t hold it anymore,
Everyday the same losses,
Thinking why to waste words,
Why to waste breath,
Why to waste emotions,
Why to waste life,
No one knows who I’m,
I’m not the person you think you see,
Cause I’ve got demons inside of me,
I may have a smile on my lips,
But broken heart inside.

One last time,
Blade in my hands,
I saw this on tv,
Easiest way to die,
This blade will erase all my pain,
Pushed blade against my skin,
Deep red blood, flowing away through from my wrist,
I finally made it, this will be the end,
The final tear I cry,
The final thought,
I wanna die, my soul is so old,
I can’t move my hand,
Laying down on the floor,
Death welcoming me with open arms,
Oh boy death is so charming,
Nobody loves me anymore,
After a few days I wake up,
Nurse is changing bandage,
I’m alive,
Another chance Wasted.

Life Saver

If my life would’ve been perfect,
A happy shit,
This ciggerate wouldn’t have been in my hands,
But it is, like for years,
I don’t know,
Where my life is going right now?
This takes me higher,
Allows me to forget everything,
Forget that I’m a mess,
It gives me a satisfaction,
That im killing myself,
And one day I’ll quit it,
Not ciggerate but my life,
The sweetest poison I ever found,
But I’m no goner,
Or maybe I’m, yes I’m,
But I blame you,
Whenever I smoke, I think of you,
I’m not addicted to cigarettes,
I’m addicted to you,
Filter in my mouth,
I forget you, your memories,
So many sad stories about us,
Lost somewhere in smoke,
One fag, two fag,
Life is good,
My shirt, skin, hands smells ciggerate, I love it, that’s me,
I remember those people,
Who helped me to get cigarettes,
When I was 14,
They’re my life saviour,
Somehow I would’ve died right now,
Because I’m not good with pain,
This cloud of smoke,
This is my heaven,
Filled with bad memories,
I poisoned my soul,
Destroyed myself from inside,
Fag gives me wings to fly,
When I feel down, lost in myself,
The orange light glowing in my ash try,
Shows me the light, a hope,
All you ask is why I’m smoking?
Why don’t you notice my pain,
I’m not a good actor,
I’m alone, hurt, half dead,
But still I have my pride,
I thought you’d hold my hand,
Throw away that ciggerate,
I never believed in god,
I believed in you,
All waste, living my hard life,
I’m so done with good and happy things,
Now I’m afraid of hopes,
Where is my lighter?
I used to be a good boy,
Now I’m a devil, inside a teenager,
No more trying, just let it go,
Inhale, exhale,
Taking it slow, it’s so relaxing,
I’m waiting here, if you can find me,
Someone who can save me from myself.

Ignored Blood