Another Chance Wasted

I hope this fan endures my weight,
This rope doesn’t break,
When I hang on it,
This heavy chair,
Displaces when I push it,
My heartbeat, body,
Never felt so high,
A dead calmness,
Noose around my neck,
Ready to die,
Ready to escape,
I can feel the death,
Black, dark, dope,
Spreading his arms,
To welcome me,
I’m a little afraid,
This is the moment I was waiting for,
These beautiful people,
Think I’m a happy man,
They got me on my knees,
They say I better watch myself,
Fuck this bad mean world,
Why I’m not killing me?
This rope is waiting for me,
I’m a coward,
Another chance Wasted.

I told my mom that I’m going out,
She didn’t asked where I’m going?
My sweet mom,
Thinks I’ll be back in few hours,
Sorry mom, I can’t live like this,
Sorry that I never told you,
What I’m going through,
I don’t want to hurt you.

I walked to the nearest station,
To try my luck,
This time a final goodbye,
I’m crying like hell,
My throat feels sore,
My face turns red,
Sobbing because of my feelings,
Took a deep breath,
Laid down on the track,
Wind is blowing real fast,
Touching my tears,
Waiting for the train,
I can hear the horn,
These tracks start shaking,
A weird excitement,
The train passes me by,
From other track,
It’s been 2 hours,
Why the fuck this train is not coming,
Crying for myself,
Another chance Wasted.

It’s hard to realise,
Why I’m so upset,
Sitting on the floor,
Crying so much more,
I’m a loser,
I got teased from head to toe,
Sometimes I feel I’m afraid of happiness,
I deserve this pain,
A story behind every tear,
How long do I have to live?
Why someone will love me,
A boy with disturbing life,
Hideous myself.

I was finding my books,
And I found ratkill,
I feel sorry for all the rats,
That this cube had killed them,
I’m sure their life would be much better,
Better then mine, worth living,
Holding this ratkill,
Wondering how to eat,
I fill the glass with water,
Almost ready to taste this,
Son! Oh is that my mom’s voice?
Oh no I’m busted,
She’s gonna be so mad at me,
But mom is smiling,
She rubbed my shoulder,
Thanked me for finding ratkill,
Cause there are so many rats in the house,
I wish I could be a rat,
Atleast there would be a guarantee,
Guarantee of death,
Another chance Wasted.

I’m standing at the edge of my patience,
I can’t hold it anymore,
Everyday the same losses,
Thinking why to waste words,
Why to waste breath,
Why to waste emotions,
Why to waste life,
No one knows who I’m,
I’m not the person you think you see,
Cause I’ve got demons inside of me,
I may have a smile on my lips,
But broken heart inside.

One last time,
Blade in my hands,
I saw this on tv,
Easiest way to die,
This blade will erase all my pain,
Pushed blade against my skin,
Deep red blood, flowing away through from my wrist,
I finally made it, this will be the end,
The final tear I cry,
The final thought,
I wanna die, my soul is so old,
I can’t move my hand,
Laying down on the floor,
Death welcoming me with open arms,
Oh boy death is so charming,
Nobody loves me anymore,
After a few days I wake up,
Nurse is changing bandage,
I’m alive,
Another chance Wasted.

Empty

image

Eyes, can’t see anything,
Ears, no voice to hear,
Hands, always shivering,
Heart, just a stone,
Lips, scared of words,
Viens, black blood,
Leg, always running,
Lungs, filled with smoke,
Wrist, marks of cutting,
Fingers, pointing towards me,
Skin, no feeling,
Face, a devil’s shade,
Chest, 1 2 3, count my ribs,
Brain, out of thoughts,
My body, a stuffed toy,
No feelings, emotions, just empty.

Life, like an autumn tree,
No leaves, no birds,
Dead calmness, dry and lonely,
No children playing, rough,
Cut me into pieces,
Get a saw through me,
Feel my black dark blood,
Life like a prison, a poison,
Everyday, cold day,
Everynight, lost night,
Giving every single inch of me,
Watching from far away,
Scared to play, always afraid,
No dreams, lost in dark.
Finding a life, a purpose,
Need someone to show who I could be.

I’m invisible, they can’t see me,
But I’m standing here,
Tears falling down form my face,
Heart with holes, Broken me,
Want to feel the mist of rain,
Cold of winter, touch of someone,
Trying to find a friend, to play,
A picture perfect life, I never dreamed of,
Just in case dreams comes true,
Continuous struggle, a dope kid,
Missing what I never had, happiness,
Broken bones, bruised skin,
Why I’m still alive? did what takes to die,
Can I turn the clock back to start,
So I can never get to be here,
In this lifeless empty world…